fire.

The hugest, scariest fire I've seen in my life happened just a few minutes ago! A view outside my office window was a Condo unit on fire. It was white smoke at first then became black and suddenly the whole room had burst into flames! We could see the balcony being licked by huge rows of fire, consuming the whole room! We could see the ceiling dropping, the airconditioning melting, curtains burning rapidly in seconds, we were sooo shocked and worried that it might reach other units and for anyone who might get trapped as thick, black smoke was coming out of the nearby shaft and was later in flames too with bluish in color, indicating "gas". uh.oh!

Fire trucks have swarmed the place, traffic was closed on both sides of the building, tenants were all evacuated to the parking lot as we watched in anticipation on how the Firemen will stop the raging flames at the 24th Floor of a condo bldg.

4 hrs. later after thick smoke and blackened exterior walls ... The firemen declared fire out! amazing are those fire fighters! How did they do it? It didn't spread throughout the building, though the unit where it all started is "burnt" badly! I think they did a pretty good job by just containing the fire to one unit if it cannot be stopped at once. We feel so bad for the people who lived there, it's a devastating sight, I swear! We just saw their whole place ignited and burnt in less than 2 hours and we couldn't do anything but watch. Hmmnn... yeah insurances will cover them all but you know, all life's work in ashes just in hours! tsk. how sad ... but GOOD thing no persons or animal was harmed! From a fire like that, I just wished so bad that they don't own a pet or something, 'cuz I'd really be crying! Thank God there's no one harmed.

HE talked to me.

Just as I was having all these wondering about LIFE. I had a revelation today (if you call it that) while my mom had to literally drag me to church ... I know, I sound like a toddler for not liking to sit still for long and listening to long monotonous sermon! BUT as always I tend to surprise myself each time I make this kind of statement ... I was listening attentively and was singing hymns ... Well, that tells me something ... I'm back ... I should be. After listening to the reading and the verses that speaks about death and life and a girl who had bleeding problems and was cured when she touched Jesus' garment, hah! if that isn't an outright message to me, I don't know what is! Yeah, I really think the message was linked to my "stupid" human idea of I'm smarter than what I'm told. I know, there are plenty people inside the church, it was packed that people are standing on the aisles (as in every mass!) I just wonder how can the world be so cruel when the churches are filled with churchgoers every Sunday! I just wish people will do more good after being immersed in the place of worship. Well ... yeah that many people BUT I really, really know in my heart that the message was for me. Personally delivered by God to my tainted heart and withering soul! It was a message for me as it starts with the book of Wisdom, talking about death, that death is not from God but is overcomed by God when He resurrected ... you see? there is HOPE! haha ... just like what I wrote in my previous blog ... I wanna know HOPE. AND there it is, through the words in my Sunday mass. How brilliant was the explanation that it felt personal. Like it was intended for me and how accurate the message were.

Imagine, my recent visits to the Doctor are brought about my "bleeding" condition and that I was already subjected to get a D&C, so as to get tissue samples for biopsy. Twice that the procedure had to be suspended due to some "causes" ... like the 1st one, I had caught the colds and cough, that the Doc hesitated to proceed with the D&C because I had "cough" infection and fever for 2 days... the second time I was already lying in the operating room, lab gown on and was being asked questions trying my hardest to recall my medical history ... when the resident Doc had known I had eaten breakfast, she said ... we can't proceed unless the anesthesiologist says it's OK because patients should not take anything by mouth 8 hrs. prior the surgery ... darn!!! I had eaten bread and drunk hot chocolate! ^-^ Well, I wasn't told to do so ... my Doc has memory problems and I know myself too well to forget things like that! My husband was sooo mad that we decided to consult a new Doctor!!! The next day was Sunday and that's when we went to mass ... the reading was about a 12 yr. old girl who has "bleeding" problems and was healed by her faith. Coincidence??? Well, what a good coincidence that the reading at Church has answers for my doubts and medical condition! weird and amazing. "Now you see." mom said.

It's pretty awesome how God talks. How I feel small and "stupid" for ever doubting and letting the thoughts of death be painful. I know it is painful ... for our mere human understanding, it is painful ... it is unimaginable pain ... but HEAVEN is a promise by God. Who am I to challenge that?

some thoughts on hope

I know I'm crazy to think that Michael Jackson had just set up his own death and still is living somewhere watching his own life tributes going... like some BIG conspiracy theory of putting him out of the limelight just like what (Elvis Presley?!) did... but when I read about his family wanting a second autopsy because they weren't convinced with the 1st one ... damn! he really is DEAD... a part of my cherished childhood memory ... died with him ... =(

It's life afterall, we will all have to move on from this and as my husband say: "Don't talk about death as if there's no hope..." as I'm just sad to hear news like this and is worried about how the future will be, knowing that this is part of LIFE. We will all gonna be left and we will all gonna be leaving ... *sigh* HOPE as he says lies in his FAITH. I admire that he lives in such peace that life after death exists in heaven, as simple as we were told as kids. "There is heaven!" and when we die we go there if we are worthy and good. AS simple as that my husband lives in total surrender and joy... while I ... hmnn ... sad to say I have wavering spirituality. When sadness strikes, when pain strikes, when doubt strikes, I'm at loss... tsk.tsk. I do pray, I do. But sometimes, my "human" nature is too strong to defy, I have such complicated thoughts about life and complex understanding of living! I dont know why I can't take SIMPLE explanations like "because fate talks" or because "that's the way it is" I mean, I wanna know, I wanna be prepared, I wanna be warned against hurt.

... BUT on the other hand... I wanna STOP asking, I wanna STOP challenging God and the heavens ... I wanna accept the fact that LIFE is not forever and that is absolute! Life is that definite and short ... I could use some FAITH, really. I wanna let go and live like I used to be ... like WE all used to be as a CHILD. Trusting and RESILIENT. That no matter the pain and no matter the betrayal ... we still could LOVE, LAUGH and PLAY life through without a thought of giving up. Because we don't NEED a lot to HOPE, it's just letting go.

the world outside

well, I missed doing this... writing on my dear ol' blog and having time to read all that I follow ... I'm sooo not in sync with the world right now that I spent the whole day yesterday in the office ('meaning until 12 midnight!) not knowing that there was a devastating storm inside the country that left 9 people dead on the nearby provinces.... NOW, Michael Jackson is dead?! OH MY *gosh* --- how could he die on me?! I haven't been to any of his concerts because I was just too poor to go when I was young...Now, he's dead and all the memory he left me is a compilation of his albums in TAPE. yes! in TAPE. CDs weren't in existent when I got his album, I'm planning to buy one now ... tsk.tsk. Regardless of the controversies and his ..."physical" mutation ... he's got the BEST songs ever, no doubt he is a Legend. What a sad ending ... I hope he had known happiness before dying. It's just weird now that famous people of my generation is one by one being plucked from my tree of inspiration and admiration! I mean ... they're all up there! Though I'm not a fanatic, it just makes my world a better place to know that these people exists but now ... LIFE gave us another moment to realize what life is worth, how short and fragile it is ... It's just a weird feeling that I'm watching TV and there's really a vigil going on, fans are lighting up candles and offering flowers ... it's just sooo surreal. Famous people like him and ... oh! Farrah Fawcett is gone too ... jeez! how sad is Hollywood now ... tsk.

When my husband saw the news first thing in the morning on TV, I was like "NO WAY ... ows! no, that can't be true ... it could just be a conspiracy to let him go into hiding and be given a different identity!" You know, like what they supposedly did with Elvis ... though not proven, it's one of those mysteries fans would wanna believe in... than him being just dead and gone. It's a sort of consolation.

*sigh* anyway ... Life, we will all see these things happening but we can NEVER be prepared... one will always feel sad and thinking ...

losing the spark

'Taking breaks from the blogging world was not my idea (promise!) It's my works' idea of keeping me off the net while I work overtime, finishing up on drawings for a visual mock-up (in layman's term: ... ) err ... why do I lose words when translating a technical term into basic?!!! uhmm ...because it's probably gonna bore you! haha WELL, it's a simulation in scaled proportion of how the cladding of glass or aluminum will actually look based on the Architect's design... and we have to work really fast on it, given the deadlines and the manufacturing that's coming all the way from China. (boring.)

Anyway, yes there are many thoughts that plagued my mind throughout the time that I wasn't writing...I had a thought of becoming a radio DJ ... haha yes!!! I want to be that, I'd quit my job (for the -nth time!) I was saying I'm gonna quit my job to do make-up! haha now, I wanna quit it to be a DJ ... the one that talks non-stop on the radio about things and it's like a "one-way" conversation most of the time, which is good 'cuz don't want anyone arguing with me especially when I'm dead tired! I just wanna be quiet and left alone in a corner while my brain processes these thoughts of becoming a DJ! WOW, it just dawned on me ... I'm being bored to death by what I'm doing for a living ... I used to be sooo inlove with it BUT now, I just lost the magic. hmmnn...maybe it's really time to change careers! haha (stupid idea) now that the world is in financial crisis and people are losing jobs, I'm quitting mine 'cuz I'm bored! (how proud of me!) Well, that's just the whole point of it ... I'm staying in my job because it pays ... pays well! BUT if my heart would wanna work ... I'd like to be on the "creative" side of work ... NOT in some technical-number precised-work. I'm exhausted ... that's all.

Maybe that's what it is. I'm just tired today, maybe I wont be a DJ. Maybe I wont be anywhere near the "creative" side of jobs, maybe I'll grow old and retire doing these straight lines, perfect ellipses, perfect circles ... skyscrapers can be boring ... like this. =(

how sad that I lost the magic.

I love you Dad!

A Greek short film

...and I just said to myself while a friend of mine posted this on her facebook that I wont get carried away by another "emotional" video, that none of these things will ever make me cry at all, after seeing so many of these, I just refuse to be a crying mess! BUT as usual ... whenever I gear myself on something too much ... I'm a wreck. I guess I haven't learned how to stop myself each time!!! This film is short yet has struck a string into my soul that resonates guilt and shame. I'm probably not alone in this feeling, that sometimes we are too impatient for the elders and our parents that we never realize what it was like when we were small and they had to teach us almost all things we know. Imagine how they had to clothe, feed and hold us so we'll never fall while learning how to walk. 'Just the same, when our parents are too old to be feeding by themselves, to be clothing by themselves and to be walking by themselves, it's time for us kids to be there for them because they were never too busy to do it while we were needing them.

---

Anyway, it's a good cry, not a cry of loneliness but a cry of times that I wish I could spend more with dad. But as you know, we live far and now that mom and my brother is here ... I'm so guilty I'm making him spend Father's Day without us! But I'm sure my sister and her family will spend this day with him ... Happy Father's Day Dadi!!! I love you, I always say I do with the hugest hug in the world and the loudest kiss!!!

You know, it's not hard to be communicating all these thoughts of love with my dad on this very special day anymore because he is 60 years old and uses a cellphone! I think every dad now has a cellphone, so why not just call or send over a text message or with a picture message that says: Happy Father's Day! That's what I'm going to do ... when I'M DONE WRITING MY BLOG. haha...

Well, my dad Jose ... 'always the strongest, tallest, bravest person I know in the world. He used to carry both me and my sister in his arms and swirl us around the room while mom laughs and cheers. That's when we were kids, small and needing protection, small and believing in super heroes! When my brother came, he was a proud dad. My brother is named after him, Joseph. They would spend every Sunday together going out to play, buying comic books and ice cream. They call it: "Bunso Day" which means dad's day for the youngest one in the family who is my brother. Dad never gets mad, he's a man of few words, he was quiet and patient. When he says he'd be there, he'd be there on time! ... so NO excuses that the "dance" didn't finish on time ... haha, yeah, he'd pick me up from my High School Dance or parties, or the beach -- I'm like the girl who's always had dad and mom on the wing... ^^

My dad, most of the time just loves cleaning up his things and stuff in the garage. He spends most of his hours tinkering on cars, he loves cars! That's what he's good at, cars! Our family car is always on tip-top shape, that he's got many people wanting their cars fixed and tuned up by him, it had become a business at some point, that we had sold car parts and supplies that put us through school. Now dad is I guess, retired from doing that business ... it just slowed down for him when BIG car companies started putting up huge car supplies and dealership that had put him and other small players well "out-of-business." BUT, his love for cars and collecting rare parts didn't fizzle, he still spends time scrubbing, cleaning and restoring things, like any other collectors do. That's my dad's thing. If other dads got fishing and golf, my dad has 'car parts' thing goin' on!

I think good dads deserve as much shown love like we show mom.

... I love my dadi, he's forever be my number 1 guy (husband wouldn't mind!) ...

Happy Father's Day!

of mothers,brothers and daughters

Sleep was tooo bad but it was because I got pretty excited my mom and brother is coming over to visit. So we spent the night, tidying up our place, skewing and moving about furnitures to see if the place would get any larger (?!) But nah! urban-apartment living can't get any better ... (yeah, in-a-bad-way.) Space is just too precious around here, that I haven't seen too many places with large rooms, except maybe if you live around those expensive villages with security, or Condos that cost millions, yeah ... you'll get your space! But for us, as typical-hard-working members of society, who had happen to live in the province all our lives until work ... WE get this place. Where one could see the whole house by just standing at the door step. ^^ Anyway, for starters, this is OK. It's accessible to the office, grocery, church, hospital, parks, museums. YES, getting a place like this with all the amenities close by is tough, so we stick around though we are lacking room for my closet alone!


Anyway, that's not really why I'm here. I know I haven't written anything for 2 days ...'been very, very busy at work, 'been sick all the time and had lots of stresses lately. BUT, here I am alive and will sort things through. promise. I wont be hiding away from the world and not communicating, especially with my Doctor who had to see me for my test results, but I did not make it because we were rushing on things at work that I had to work overtime while having the flu. aaarrrggghhh....

Beautiful just beautiful how my world is just so crowded right now, with lots of things going on that I'm starting to feel tired and crumbling inside. and I just wonder what more for others who have worse? ... how do you deal when your body is your enemy?! There is no escape...

Well for that, when you can't seem to get away ... we have mothers and brothers who'd make you realize that you still belong. That besides having a life of your own and the love of your own, after leaving the house and tried finding yourself, YOU will only realize that finding yourself is better when you have your ground.

That yes, I was like the others who wanted to go as far from home as possible to be my own person. BUT lately ... at 28 ( too soon?) I realize that I'm becoming more and more of the person that my "mother" is!!! ... the way I talk, the way I run my marriage ... (hehe), the way I act on certain things kinda resembles my mother, even at times that I hated to react on it that way! I am going to be like my mother (I figured.) 'tried to deny it for sooo many years that I will NOT be like her (on some things) BUT I am becoming ... HER.

Will I ever avoid it? avoid it, YES. Stopping it? NO. I think it will go on and on in the family, for as long as there are women in the family, YES! haha. I think my sister does too ...'think that she has some characters instilled in her by growing up in the same house and having the same values, she too will have our mother's character in some ways ... BUT I think she's a subtle version of her, she's got all the good side ... of being nurturing and loving, of being smart and confident. While I ... I don't know exactly what I got but my husband does tell me ...

-"you are sounding like your mother each time ..." (yikes! haha)

-"Oh, I'll tell her you said that" and he's like,

- "why? what's wrong with sounding like your mother?"

... haha, Oh, I know what he means by that! BUT, mothers ... I appreciate them more now that I find myself being at the place where I want to be (working my way into the BIG city), now that I spend my own cash and buying toiletries, kitchen and "carpentry" stuff ... all the none "glamorous" plumbing stuff, that only mothers wouldn't mind shopping for... I appreciate them more now that I live away from our family house that I just miss home cooking ... err ... wait, my dad cooks! He does the cooking all the time!!! (because he cooks better!) haha ... and now that home cooking means "my" cooking, it's not the same. Home cooking is always the best, because I get fed without having to worry how it happened!

hmmnnn... mother.... i cannot thank you enough! So, where does the brother come in this tale? Well, brothers are like brothers ... they just come and eat and play and do housework. I'm close with my brother, he's like the male version of me ... only that, he's more... cool and relaxed. I watched him grow, he's just a baby in 1986 and now he's 6 ft. 1 inch tall, and trying to find his way into this world... finishing University and looking for a job ... well, I hope he finds it easy ...I hope the world wont be as bad as I know it is for some, I hope he gets his goals right ... because he loses focus at times ...'spending lots of nights with the boys out and that's what he's gotta learn how to control ... his time! Well, I'm sure he'll figure things out and I'm sure he's gonna be OK as life goes. He deserves good stuff 'cuz he's a nice guy.

Wrapping things up! I'm glad they are here, because when I get exhausted with life, I can be just a daughter taking orders from my mother like the way it's supposed to, even if it's my house our culture says that whoever is the oldest person in the house rules!!! so ... i'm chilli'n, i'm just a daughter and my husband is just a son, we are all kids in this house as long as there's a mother!

we are all somebody's child for life afterall.