'Went to see the result of my ultrasound today and it was as brief as I expected it to be, as my Gynecologist have always made me wait longer than the consulation itself. I arrived 3o minutes earlier and she arrived 30 minutes late. I'm pissed. Yes, I am. I want to find another OB only for that reason. I don't know if she's just straightforward that I'm not quick enought to catch a phrase that she darts at me or she's just ... brief. As I said it a million times to anyone who asks me what the Doctor has had to say. brief. AND why not ask questions? ... yeah why not? Because I don't know what to ask, I'm sooo lost. I know, that my result has revealed a thickening of my endometrium that she needed to sample it and have a biopsy. It could be something serious, it could be not. It could be something bearable, it could be ... *sigh* We are not going there, I'm already nervous and scared as I can be with the procedures that I'm having. I had an X-ray and ... again 'have to be back 'cuz the result will come out this Saturday. I hate waiting. But it's how it works, it's not like I'm the only person in the world who has come to see a Doctor! So we'll wait.
Anyway, I have been loving all good things about life that I may have the tiniest thing to worry about. I can't be so selfish and give people around me the attitude just because I'm carrying around a thickened endometrium! I mean look! The sky is all gray and is bursting into cold rain every 2 hours, people get wet, get stuck in traffic, walk in flood wetting their shoes and socks on ... people do have other things on their own and I cannot be selfish. Bottomline is: If I begin hating life for why I'm bleeding and sick, I'd get nowhere but to sit and cry and let the good life pass by me! We will all have to deal with sickness anyway at some point in our lives. Some would make it through and some wouldn't. It is selfishness to not let go and wanting to live forever, that's why we should learn how to accept that life for others will go on and that the world will keep on going with or without us.
So if my lab tests are worse than I ever expected. This is Quitting. This is quitting for a quitter that is not going to wallow on the bitter side of life. But is quitting for others to see life better. It's a total surrender ... that I'm not gonna be all over asking for sympathy, that I'm not gonna look like I'm going through these tests and is always nervous for the results! Because I totally understand that the world has bigger issues than mine. That I'm just a tiny speck on this lovely, blue planet. That I am just a number. That I am just human classified for her age, sex and race. That I am just a daughter that I owe my parents the happiness they expected when they brought me into this world. That I, will not be afraid anymore of anything.
You know, this life on earth is nothing but a chance, a one-time chance. a Gift for people who have faith that there is a higher being than us. That we are not just sophisticated machineries, but LIVE miracles. I believe in that. I want to. I have to, because in a case like this when you have no other choice but to deal, it is better that you hang on to something BIGGER, STRONGER and more POWERFUL, way beyond human understanding. Because when you have HIM, you can just give it all up and surrender ... and you can go on with your life losing a part of you that's sick and weak.
I know, I'm not the best person to talk about it. I know I'm not religious, but I'm keeping faith. It's just for people who needs more support than what people around them could give. SO, yeah! Bring it on! I'm ready for those needles and probes of my insides! ^-^ 'Hope they get what they were looking for, so I'll live longer and have babies!!!
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